1562 Best Humor Quotes

I don’t get angry on the golf course… I just growl a lot and throw things.
Golf Anger Humor
Golf is the only sport where you can lose a ball in the water and still claim it was a ‘practice shot.’
Golf Humor Excuses
I don’t need a golf cart—my ball never goes far enough to justify one.
Golf Humor Short Drives
Babies are such nice ways to start people. - Don Herold
Birth Humor Humanity Don Herold
A baby is an angel whose wings decrease as his legs increase.
Birth Growth Childhood Humor
Babies are such a nice way to start people. - Don Herold
Birth Humor Humanity Don Herold
Babies are the best alarm clocks - they don't give you a snooze button.
Birth Humor Parenthood Reality
I’d rather take coffee than compliments just now.
Little Women Louisa May Alcott Humor Independence pragmatism
Let us be elegant or die!
Little Women Louisa May Alcott Humor Vanity Society
She is too fond of books, and it has turned her brain.
Little Women Louisa May Alcott Reading Humor Intellectualism
The early bird gets the worm, but it's the second mouse that gets the cheese.
Little Women Louisa May Alcott Wisdom Strategy Humor
I'd rather take coffee than compliments just now.
Little Women Louisa May Alcott Humor Priorities Independence
Let us be elegant or die!
Little Women Louisa May Alcott Humor Vanity Society
Oh, I wish I were rich, I am so wicked!
Little Women Louisa May Alcott Money Morality Humor
The early bird gets the worm, but it's the second mouse that gets the cheese.
Little Women Louisa May Alcott Wisdom Strategy Humor
I'd rather take coffee than compliments just now.
Little Women Louisa May Alcott Humor Priorities Independence
Let us be elegant or die!
Little Women Louisa May Alcott Humor Vanity Society
Oh, I wish I were rich, I am so wicked!
Little Women Louisa May Alcott Money Morality Humor
A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. – Proverbs 17:22
Bible Joy Humor Health
As a dog returns to its vomit, so fools repeat their folly. – Proverbs 26:11
Bible Humor Wisdom Repetition
You blind guides! You strain out a gnat but swallow a camel. – Matthew 23:24
Bible Catholic Bible Humor Hypocrisy Perspective
A merry heart does good like medicine. - Proverbs 17:22
Bible Joy Health Humor
A joyful heart is good medicine. - Proverbs 17:22
Bible Joy Health Humor
A firefighter’s job is 100% excitement, followed by 99% boredom.
Firefighter Adrenaline Patience Preparedness Humor
The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.
Firefighter Humor Safety Preparedness Wisdom
Firefighting: The only job where you can get yelled at for saving too much.
Firefighter Humor Irony Job Challenges Camaraderie
If you can’t take the heat, stay out of the firehouse.
Firefighter Humor Toughness Firehouse Culture Brotherhood
Firefighters don’t die—they just burn forever in our hearts.
Firefighter Humor Legacy Memory Brotherhood
Why do firefighters always carry a pencil? In case they have to draw water!
Firefighter Humor Jokes Firehouse Banter Lightheartedness
The firehouse family: Where 'weird' is normal and normal is boring.
Firefighter Family Humor Acceptance Camaraderie
Firehouse cooking: Where every meal is an adventure and every chef is... confident.
Firefighter Humor Food Traditions Culture
Firehouse cooking: Where 'edible' is considered high praise.
Firefighter Humor Food Culture Tradition
Why did the firefighter bring a ladder to the bar? To reach the high spirits!
Firefighter Joke Humor Lighthearted Fun
The only thing we over-rescue is the coffee pot.
Firefighter Humor Coffee Firehouse Life Priorities
Firefighter fitness: Running upstairs with heavy stuff is our cardio.
Firefighter Humor Fitness Workouts Reality
Our idea of a five-star meal is anything that's still hot when we get to eat it.
Firefighter Humor Food Shift Work Realities
I will hit .400 when they learn to pitch me right. – Roberto Clemente
Roberto Clemente Confidence Baseball Humor Skill
Every Puerto Rican child knows two things: the national anthem and my batting average. – Roberto Clemente
Roberto Clemente Humor Legacy Inspiration Youth
My children will know two languages: Spanish and Baseball. – Roberto Clemente
Roberto Clemente Family Humor Heritage
The best way to learn English? Argue with umpires. – Roberto Clemente
Roberto Clemente Humor Language Persistence
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Children Observation Nonsense Humor
I hope life isn't a joke, because I don't get it. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Existentialism Irony Life Humor
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: 'Mankind.' Basically, it's made up of two separate words—'mank' and 'ind.' What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Linguistics Nonsense Philosophy Humor
If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave Man, I guess I'm a coward. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Bravery Irony Humor Self-deprecation
The only way to get rid of temptation is to maybe give in to it a little. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Temptation Compromise Humor
The best way to make friends is to stand really close to someone and whisper 'I know what you did.' - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Social Skills Intimidation Humor
The best way to keep your teeth clean is to not eat. Or smile. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Dental Hygiene Extreme Solutions Humor
The best way to keep your car clean is to not drive it. Or look at it. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Car Maintenance Extreme Solutions Humor
The best way to keep your hair clean is to shave it all off. Or wear a hat. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Grooming Extreme Solutions Humor
The best way to keep your clothes clean is to not wear any. Or move. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Laundry Extreme Solutions Humor
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