100 Best Jack Handey Quotes

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Nature Absurdity Dark Humor Philosophy
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Children Observation Nonsense Humor
I hope life isn't a joke, because I don't get it. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Existentialism Irony Life Humor
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Satire Advice Karma Prank
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Machismo Irony Toxic Positivity Comedy
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Practical Advice Absurdity Letting Go
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is 'God is crying.' And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is 'Probably because of something you did.' - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Parenting Dark Humor Guilt Theology
The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Animals Puns Wordplay Minimalism
I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, 'If I have come to destroy you, may the Sun be blotted out from the sky.' - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Time Travel Pranks History Power
If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Teaching Music Patience Process
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: 'Mankind.' Basically, it's made up of two separate words—'mank' and 'ind.' What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Linguistics Nonsense Philosophy Humor
The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Friendship Silence Irony Comfort
If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Religion Food Absurdity Devotion
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on a little merry-go-round, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Crime Absurdity Escape Animals
When you die, if you get a choice between regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmmm, boy. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Afterlife Food Risk Satisfaction
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world because they'd never expect it." - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Peace Irony War Strategy
It's funny that pirates were always going around searching for treasure, and they never realized that the real treasure was the fond memories they were creating. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Pirates Nostalgia Irony Materialism
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Trauma fear Clowns Dark Humor
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Physics survival Absurdity Free Stuff
The thing about chameleons is their eyes. I mean, can you imagine a chameleon that could change the color of its eyes? I bet you can't. Well, I can, because I just did. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Animals Imagination Creativity Bragging
If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave Man, I guess I'm a coward. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Bravery Irony Humor Self-deprecation
The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Family Nostalgia Memory Vagueness
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Parenting Absurd Logic Generational Humor
The mysterious East is even more mysterious than it thinks. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Travel Irony Cultural Commentary
If you ever have to steal money from your kid, and later on he discovers it's gone, I think a good thing to do is to blame it on Santa Claus. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Parenting Dark Humor Scapegoating
A sweater is a garment worn by a child when his mother feels chilly. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Family Irony Domestic Humor
If you ever start to feel like you're the most important person in the world, just remember: in Latin, 'Jack Handey' means 'some guy.' - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Humility Wordplay Self-deprecation
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Proverbs Strategy Dark Comedy
If you ever get the urge to yodel naked in the middle of the night, eat a cracker instead. It won't satisfy the urge, but it's quieter. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Advice Absurdity Self-Control
When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer antlers. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Mystery Dark Humor Observation
A good book is like a fine wine. A bad book is like a fine wine spilled on your shirt. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Literature Similes Satire
If you ever get cornered by a pack of clowns, remember: go for the juggler. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Survival Tips Dark Humor Absurdity
I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the circus wouldn't have any dragons. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Disappointment Expectations Fantasy
If you ever find yourself lost in the woods, build a house. 'I used to be lost, but now I live here!' - Jack Handey
Jack Handey survival Problem-Solving Absurdity
The best way to keep children home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant - and let the air out of their tires. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Parenting Dark Humor control
If you ever see a crime being committed, be sure to stop and think: 'Do I really want to get involved here?' - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Crime Avoidance Practical Advice
I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Health Irony Party Games
If you ever get swallowed by a whale, just remember: it's dark in there, but at least it's roomy. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey survival Optimism Absurdity
The only way to get rid of temptation is to maybe give in to it a little. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Temptation Compromise Humor
If you ever get the chance to work for a circus, say no. Unless it's a circus that has dragons. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Career Advice Standards Fantasy
I think the best way to get your kids to eat their vegetables is to tell them they're candy. Then when they find out you lied, tell them life is full of disappointments. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Parenting Deception Life Lessons
If you ever get attacked by a mob, try to pick out one person and apologize to them. It might confuse them long enough for you to escape. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey survival Strategy Absurdity
The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them is a match. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey survival Practical Advice Cheating
I think the worst person to be stuck in an elevator with would be a mime who's just eaten garlic. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Fears Irony Social Situations
If you ever get bitten by a snake, try to stay calm. Also, try to remember what kind of snake it was, or at least what it was wearing. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey survival Memory Absurdity
The best way to get your kids to clean their room is to tell them you hid money in it. Then when they don't find any, tell them life is full of disappointments. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Parenting Motivation Life Lessons
If you ever get lost in the woods, just follow the river. Unless the river is flowing the wrong way, in which case you should probably just sit down and cry. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey survival Navigation Defeatism
I think the worst time to realize you're afraid of heights is when you're skydiving. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Fears Irony Poor Timing
If you ever get attacked by a bear, try to play dead. If that doesn't work, try to play a different animal, like a bunny or something. - Jack Handey
Absurdity Improvisation survival Jack Handey
The best way to keep your shoes from smelling is to not wear them. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Practical Advice Problem-Solving Laziness
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