127 Best Absurdity Quotes

Can I be excused for the rest of my life?
SpongeBob Humor Absurdity
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Nature Absurdity Dark Humor Philosophy
Is mayonnaise an instrument?
SpongeBob Absurdity Humor
The inner machinations of my mind are an enigma.
SpongeBob Absurdity Humor
I can’t see my forehead!
SpongeBob Humor Absurdity
I wumbo, you wumbo, he/she/we wumbo.
SpongeBob Absurdity Humor
Licking doorknobs is illegal on other planets.
SpongeBob Absurdity Humor
You don’t need a license to drive a sandwich.
SpongeBob Humor Absurdity
Once there was an ugly barnacle. He was so ugly that everyone died. The end.
SpongeBob Dark Humor Absurdity
This is not your average, everyday darkness. This is… advanced darkness.
SpongeBob Humor Absurdity
I was trying to tell you I was choking on snow, but the snow melted and turned into water, and I drank it. Now I’m better.
SpongeBob Absurdity Humor
Welcome to the Salty Spitoon. How tough are ya?
SpongeBob Humor Absurdity
I had a bowl of nails for breakfast this morning… without any milk.
SpongeBob Humor Absurdity
Did you smell it? That smell. A kind of smelly smell. The smelly smell that smells… smelly.
SpongeBob Humor Absurdity
Oh well, I guess I’m not wearing any pants today!
SpongeBob Humor Absurdity
Two words: Na. Chos.
SpongeBob Humor Absurdity
F is for fire that burns down the whole town, U is for uranium… bombs! N is for no survivors!
SpongeBob Dark Humor Absurdity
I play golf with friends sometimes, but they’re not very good. The last time we played, one of them got a hole in one… on a par 4.
Golf Absurdity Humor
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Practical Advice Absurdity Letting Go
If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Religion Food Absurdity Devotion
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on a little merry-go-round, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Crime Absurdity Escape Animals
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Physics survival Absurdity Free Stuff
If you ever get the urge to yodel naked in the middle of the night, eat a cracker instead. It won't satisfy the urge, but it's quieter. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Advice Absurdity Self-Control
If you ever get cornered by a pack of clowns, remember: go for the juggler. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey Survival Tips Dark Humor Absurdity
If you ever find yourself lost in the woods, build a house. 'I used to be lost, but now I live here!' - Jack Handey
Jack Handey survival Problem-Solving Absurdity
If you ever get swallowed by a whale, just remember: it's dark in there, but at least it's roomy. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey survival Optimism Absurdity
If you ever get attacked by a mob, try to pick out one person and apologize to them. It might confuse them long enough for you to escape. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey survival Strategy Absurdity
If you ever get bitten by a snake, try to stay calm. Also, try to remember what kind of snake it was, or at least what it was wearing. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey survival Memory Absurdity
If you ever get attacked by a bear, try to play dead. If that doesn't work, try to play a different animal, like a bunny or something. - Jack Handey
Absurdity Improvisation survival Jack Handey
If you ever get attacked by a shark, try to punch it in the nose. If that doesn't work, try to reason with it. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey survival Animal Attacks Absurdity
If you ever get attacked by a swarm of bees, try to remain calm. Also try to remember if you're allergic to bees, or just to getting stung by them. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey survival Allergies Absurdity
If you ever get attacked by a lion, try to play dead. If that doesn't work, try to play a different animal, like a gazelle or something. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey survival Improvisation Absurdity
If you ever get attacked by a pack of wolves, try to reason with the alpha male. If that doesn't work, try to reason with the alpha female. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey survival Animal Behavior Absurdity
If you ever get attacked by a crocodile, try to poke it in the eyes. If that doesn't work, try to poke yourself in the eyes so you don't have to see what happens next. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey survival Animal Attacks Absurdity
If you ever get attacked by a hippopotamus, try to reason with it. If that doesn't work, try to reason with yourself about why you're in this situation. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey survival Animal Attacks Absurdity
If you ever get attacked by a gorilla, try to make yourself look bigger. If that doesn't work, try to make yourself look smaller and less threatening. - Jack Handey
Jack Handey survival Animal Attacks Absurdity
Man who runs in front of car gets tired. Man who runs behind car gets exhausted. – Confucius
Confucius Humor Absurdity Wordplay
Man who runs behind car gets exhausted, but man who runs in front of car gets tired. – Confucius
Confucius Humor Exercise Absurdity
Man who runs in front of taxi will be tired. Man who runs behind taxi will be exhausted. – Confucius
Confucius Humor Exercise Absurdity
Man who runs behind car gets exhausted, but man who runs in front of car gets tired. – Confucius
Confucius Humor Exercise Absurdity
Ma! The meatloaf! We want it now! – Jeremy Grey
Wedding Crashers Humor Family Absurdity
I thought I was goin' back to Vietnam, but instead, they decided the best way to fight the war was to have a ping-pong tournament. – Forrest Gump
Forrest Gump War Humor Absurdity History
He killed sixteen Czechoslovakians. The guy was an interior decorator. – Paulie "Walnuts" Gualtieri
The Sopranos Humor violence misunderstanding Absurdity
It's like the N word and the C word had a baby and it was raised by all the bad words for Jews. – Morty
Rick and Morty Humor shock Language Absurdity social commentary
I turned myself into a pickle, Morty! I'm Pickle Rick! – Rick
Rick and Morty Absurdity Science Family Avoidance Therapy
Oh, yeah, you gotta get schwifty. – The Head of the Giant Floating God Head
Rick and Morty Absurdity Religion Music conformity Comedy
You're young, you have your whole life ahead of you, and your anal cavity is still taut yet malleable. – Mr. Goldenfold
Rick and Morty Humor inappropriate Life Absurdity authority
If you’re going to do it, do it with style. Go out with a bang! – Elizabeth
Gintama Humor style flair Absurdity
We’re not being unpatriotic, are we? By feeling poorly? – Hilda
When the Wind Blows duty Guilt Patriotism Absurdity
We must remember to paint the windows white. – Jim
When the Wind Blows Preparation misinformation triviality Absurdity
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